HIGHER SELF DIALOGUE

How do I manage the sadness of having to let go of so many people, places and things that I loved?

When you let go, you are actually in creation-mode, clearing space, ready to build something new. But that energetic attachment to the old is normal, because it is part of being human to love your former creations or those things which were once a part of you or made you who you are up until this point. Sometimes it feels as though loss is all there is, and that nothing new will ever come, and you will just be saying goodbye over and over again.

However, the endings are beginnings, and it is all part of the same circle that spins around you, and it’s only a matter of perspective as to where you choose to jump in and experience something specific. But then you get attached to that singular point in space and time and you can’t move around to other points that would be equally energizing for you. You can’t experience another point if you stay stuck in this one. So you have to let go and trust, as you free-fall into another moment where Life will rise up to meet you and provide everything you need. Letting go, detaching, and moving on with grace is the work…but it can be effortless if you allow that energy of emotion to flow through and out and to transform into something new.

A Call to the Divine Masculine

This afternoon, I visited with my two sisters, my 11 year-old nephew, and my 3 year-old niece. We went for ice cream at a favorite local restaurant, which had provided distanced picnic tables in a grassy area above the parking lot. My nephew and I waited for our ice cream while my sisters hauled my niece up the steep stairs with their treats. All this time, a random dog was running off-leash, around the lined-up customers (mostly women and children). As my nephew and I headed for the picnic area, we heard a man screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs, and saw my sisters trying to get my niece back down the stairs. It was his dog that was running around and, when the dog ran up to my niece, overwhelming her with its size, my sister asked the man to call his dog over to him. The man started screaming, “F*****g bitches! In 15 years I’ve never put my dog on a leash and I’m not going to start now.”

When I went up to confront the man myself, he and his wife had left the park, and I saw my sister’s ice cream still sitting on the table, melting into a puddle. I headed down the stairs to tell my sisters that they should come back, and I saw the man sitting his in his luxury SUV next to the stairs. I looked at him and said, “Were you just cursing out my sisters and my little niece?” He sneered, “Who, me? No! You must have me confused with someone else!” And laughed. I said, “You’re a real man, aren’t you?” He said, “Are you bitch too?” I replied, “Absolutely.” I looked at his license plate and read the number back to him, at which point he took off. His wife never said a word; she was completely subdued. The only other man privy to the incident commented and laughed about it to one of my sisters but at no point tried to intervene.

I felt a detached curiosity during this incident; bewildered by a 50-something year-old man who is so insecure in himself (and perhaps unable to cope with what’s happening on the planet right now) that he had to torment any woman in his vicinity, including his wife and a 3 year-old. Last night, however, I went to bed sleepless, enraged by the two separate incidents of male police terrorizing Black women and children in Washington D.C. and Colorado. Tonight, I won’t be able to sleep until I express what I feel is happening.

There is a very real energy around toxic masculinity that is being called up at this time because it is being cleared out of our world. This energy has held the seat of power for thousands of years. It has distorted major world religions, waged countless wars, and tortured and subjugated women, children, and anyone who doesn’t conform to white, male, heterosexual norms. This power has dictated the course of our planet to the point that it has nearly wiped out life in all of its forms. This corrupt masculine energy has had its day and can no longer be allowed to run the show. What we’ve seen with the #metoo movement, with the Catholic church, with sex trafficking, with Black Lives Matter—is, at last, a call for Accountability. Like any dying thing, this toxic masculine energy will kick and scream on its way out, clutching at power any way that it can, even to the point of blatant public abuse of those in weaker positions.

The energy of the Universe, in all things, is divided into the Masculine and Feminine, the Alpha and Omega. Both energies exist in each one of us, regardless of gender, and both energies are sacred. The Divine Masculine (Alpha) is Presence, Awareness, Space without form, and pure Consciousness. The Divine Feminine (Omega) is Energy, Creation, and pure Love. We can’t have one without the other; both are needed for perfect balance and harmony. When integrity lapses in one or both, we see shadow, dysfunction, toxicity, abuse. Life is thrown off balance, and disorder rules the day.

What we’ve experienced for centuries is a distortion of masculine energy, to the point that the Goddess must now intervene, or this masculine energy will destroy us. We are seeing the rise of Kali Ma, the great Mother and Protector of the Universe. She is the fierce embodiment of Shakti (or Feminine energy). She demands that Shiva (or Masculine energy) fall in line and work with her, not against her. Without her life-giving force, Shiva is impotent; with her, Shiva can become one with God or the Universe.

Those of us beings who identify with the Divine Feminine, call upon every man and masculine-identified being at this time, to step into his/their rightful place as a CONSCIOUS PRESENCE in a world that desperately needs you right now. You must not look away. You must not check out. We need you to step into your highest integrity. We need you to act. We need you to hold space for the Feminine, so that She can finally heal, trust, and thrive as She was always meant to. We need you to be Warriors and Protectors. We need you to demand better of yourselves and your brothers. We need you to hold boundaries. We need you to face your darkest shadows so that you can participate in the new world that’s coming.

Make no mistake, we are feeling the birthing pains of a new age. When a bright light suddenly illuminates a dark room, it is agonizing at first, but when our eyes adjust, we see how much beauty and perfection we had been missing. If you’re a masculine being who feels (and fears) that you’re losing your footing and place in the world—you are correct. But while this process is challenging, be assured that you are called to step into a far greater role, if you choose to accept it. The Divine Feminine holds out her hand to the Divine Masculine, beckoning him to join her. We can create something better, but it has to be together, not at the expense of the other. Men: we are looking to you. What is this moment in time demanding of you? Who are you going to become?

THE EYE OF THE STORM

All of my life I’ve had extremely vivid dreams that become, sporadically, lucid or prescient dreams, and the lucid dreaming has become more consistent over the past year. Whether vivid or lucid, these dreams contain mirrors and messages for my waking life, often alerting me to information I need to receive, decisions I need to make, patterns I need to shift, or taking me to a new level of awareness.

Early this morning I had a vivid dream that feels relevant to the collective, with layers of metaphor and messages, so please stick with me until the end…

I was working at an early-model home computer. Although security was installed, I had inadvertently allowed a virus to infiltrate the system and disturbing pop-ups had taken over my screen. I could hear my boss coming and panicked because I couldn’t exit out of the system. I quickly pressed “power” and shut the system down, hoping it would reboot. 

Next, I was in the backseat of a car driving through the night. My boss, his wife, and their daughters were in front and I assumed I had become their nanny. In back with me was a little boy playing on the floor. He was tired, cranky, and not wearing a seatbelt. I understood that he was neglected and isolated from the rest of the family. I arranged a pillow and blanket for him on the seat, which he immediately relaxed into. I said, “You can stretch out and go to sleep; I’ll be right over here.” 

We arrived at a hotel in the middle of nowhere. It was just me and my boss unloading countless suitcases from the back. I was loaded down with three bags but couldn’t find my main suitcase. Suddenly, I realized I had left it in a previous hotel and, devastated, dissolved into tears. I didn’t understand why I was reacting so strongly but it seemed as though everything important to me, everything I needed, was in that suitcase. I told my boss that I had forgotten the suitcase due to my exhaustion and rushing to leave. He turned ice-cold, stared at me with dead eyes, and said, “I hate people like you.” I was weeping, ashamed, feeling completely worthless. Then I spotted my suitcase standing up behind three other cases in the car and exclaimed with joy, “I found it! It’s here!” It was a vintage green suitcase that belonged to my mom in our real life when I was a child. 

But my boss didn’t care; he hated me now. I sorrowfully dragged my suitcases behind him into the hotel. The rest of the family was there and we spiraled around in a circle, past dozens and dozens of rooms, until we stopped at one. I finally put down my bags and my boss looked at me with that hatred and said, “You’re 108.” I realized I was alone and we had passed my room a long time ago but that he wanted to make me suffer. 

I couldn’t stand being there and called a cab to take me to find some food. A woman arrived in a black SUV. It was night and we passed a gas station with several cars in the lot. From the license plates, I tried to determine if we were in Oklahoma or Nevada. I decided on OK because of the driver’s accent. 

We drove along a dark highway and all of a sudden a huge portal of white lightening lit up the sky, illuminating a terrible formation of funnel clouds from within and without. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. The driver gasped, slowed down, and said, “Will you look at that!” As she slowed, I could see a row of people standing on the median, also looking up at the sky. I urged the cabbie to drive as fast as she could to outrun the storm. She did, but as I watched the sky, I saw another terrible formation to the side of us. I screamed at her to drive even faster, to get away from the storm. 

The driver turned onto the road leading to my hotel and we were faced with a third formation, the most massive and apocalyptic tornado, directly above and in front of us. We had no choice but to drive straight into the storm. I was filled with fear, clutching the door handle in the back set, and closing my eyes. I could hear the driver exclaim as she tried to keep the SUV on the road, could hear the debris hitting the car, and could sense the darkness that we couldn’t see through. I knew that my life was out of my control–that at any time the car could flip off the road or be sucked up into the air. At that moment, beautiful music filled my awareness and I felt cocooned into the most tranquil and peaceful state of mind. I thought to myself how strange it was to feel that way when I knew the storm had us in its grip.

Then we were turning into the parking lot of the hotel. I urged the driver to come inside with me to take shelter. She said, “No, I think I’ll keep driving,” and rang up my tab on a little paper. I said, “I’ll pay you but please come with me! Don’t go back out there!” And then I had to run for shelter without waiting to see if she’d follow.

The hotel had became a rustic hostel or inn. Directly inside, the innkeeper held a basement door open while people ran down into the shelter. I was once again laden with bags and looking for a place to land. There were many people my age socializing in little groups. I knew I would be welcome anywhere but felt too insecure to impose myself. Then I became distraught again, believing I had lost my purse with the money to pay the driver. The driver, who had followed me down after all, caught my attention and said, “No, you still have your purse with you.” I was trying to get out my wallet and looking at her tab which said $200 and didn’t make sense. Then I thought, “Just settle and get safe. You’ll pay her in a minute.” 

I found an old chair and put down my bags, thinking, “I’ll just be alone.” I felt sad about it. Then a guy came up behind me and said, “Would you like to play cards?” I wrestled with what to say because I didn’t know how to play cards but I wanted him to stay. I turned around and he looked taken aback and said, “I’m sorry. Nevermind.” I said, “You want to play cards? Sure. I don’t really know how…” He smiled, holding out his hand and introducing himself. I shook his hand and told him my name. He said to me, “We’ll stick together.” Over his shoulder, I saw yet another terrible tornado headed straight for our inn. I said, “Let’s go down now,” because there was another small room below us. 

We called for everyone to follow us, to shelter even further, and it sounded like they were. But we found ourselves alone in the dirty basement room filled with cobwebs. We sat on the floor against the wall but I didn’t feel safe so I crawled under the stairs and looked at the guy. We were both silent and then I told him, “I’m scared.” I could hear the tornado bearing down and people screaming in fear above us. One man shouted, “Stay behind the pillar!” I could hear debris hitting the inn. I didn’t know how it all would end. Then, that beautiful music returned, and I felt myself sink into a cocoon of peace, warmth, and tranquility. I became aware that I was asleep and could wake up if I wanted to. I slowly floated into consciousness and woke up in my bed.

While much of this dream carries personal meaning for me, I feel that there are also affirmations and messages for the collective:

1. We are caught in a great storm that we cannot ignore, outrun, or hide from. There is nothing to do now but face it directly, without knowing how or when it will end.
2. We are human and will absolutely experience fear, uncertainty, grief, and the wildness of stepping into the Unknown. 
3. Many of us will walk through an Ego Death, where everything that formed our identities is stripped away. The things that made us valuable to ourselves and to the outside world may not sustain any longer: money, jobs, security, relationships, image, projects, addictions, party lines, networks, health, or even our own lives or the lives of people we love. Who are we when we are all that remains? Can we love what’s left of us?
4. We need each other.
5. We each hold the capacity to become the eye of the storm. When all around us rages and dissolves, we can choose to surrender into the peace that is beyond all understanding.
6. We are more than our former identities, our old ways of functioning, and our present circumstances. What do we want to wake up to? Who do we want to become?