If you become the one you long for then what will you do with your longing? ~Rumi
What is there to do if you are so full as love that more love isn’t possible? If you truly trusted love abounding as all of life, then what would occupy your emotions? Unending and all-abundant love is the end of feminine drama. ~David Deida
Desire has been a driving force throughout my entire life. Deep inside I’ve always held the awareness that this isn’t all there is. I became insatiable for more, even though I couldn’t define what more was. As I grew older, that longing became twisted and obscured, protected and defended. I thought that what I wanted would come from outside of me, given to me by others, gifted to me by circumstance. I couldn’t trust enough in my own value to believe that it could come from me, through me, or that it might even just be me.
Eventually, I held that desire so far out in front of me and so far deep inside of me that I couldn’t reconcile myself with it. I could see what I wanted, watched others living the life I desired, but then, as if by magnetic force, I would repel that love and opportunity as far away as I could. Not consciously. Not by choice. But how can love come towards you if you’re vibrating not worthy in every cell of your body? Imagine a magnet whose desire draws everything she wants but then, at the last second, the force of her not worthy stops the desired in its tracks. It can’t move forward. It’s held in place by resistance. Eventually, it moves away.
It has taken me a lifetime, right up until this moment, to understand the battle I’ve been waging inside of my heart. These are not new ideas but sometimes it takes hearing it a hundred different ways, and experiencing suffering years in and years out, to finally grasp the concept that absolutely nothing is separate from who I am. It’s never been about what I do or say I want; it’s about the energy of who I am.
Perhaps the biggest frustration and stumbling block for me in the past, when I considered this idea, was that I could never figure out how to be love on the inside when I couldn’t feel it from the outside. Not that I was unloving–because I loved fiercely–but that love was never directed towards myself. I tried to fill the hole in my heart in every way possible but could never satiate my hunger, my longing. Then something really challenging happens–or many challenging things all at once–and I’m knocked so far off my center that my heart just cracks open from that hole. And then it finally gets filled by the only thing that could ever satisfy it. And it reminds me to keep waking up, keep waking up, keep waking up. Love is who we are. We lack nothing.
The most beautiful experience I’ve had this time around is that I’ve gone inward towards a vast and overwhelming love that comes from nowhere else. Meditation (combined with Yoga) is the #1 remedy I now give to myself for whatever ails me. And even the experience of meditating is an eye-opener for how I’ve handled most of my life. I find it fairly easy to slip into a deep state, where a bright white light starts to consume my awareness, but it’s taking consistent practice to let myself go into that light instead of shying away. When I do allow it, the experience is breathtaking. I am so accustomed to playing out the drama of resistance, lack, and suffering, that coming face-to-face with No-Thing, pure Love, pure Potential, almost literally blows my mind. It brings me to tears just to contemplate it.
All desires are the desire for God
obscured and veiled. When you go
out of this world and see the King
face-to-face then you will know
that everything you longed for here
–whether women or men, wealth
or palaces, things to eat, political
or religious power–all these things
were veils and coverings of him. (Her/It/Them)