Well, hello, my long-lost blog. Haven’t seen you in ages. It’s been a heck of a couple o’ months. I reached complete burnout with the status quo … six years trying to juggle a full-time day job and a full-time acting pursuit finally got to me and I just couldn’t take it any more. The choice to leave my job made me; I was experiencing mini nervous breakdowns every day and enough was enough. My Scorpio loyalty becomes too much at times; I stay with questionable situations or relationships well past their expiration date. It takes acts of god to make me throw in the towel. Or stress-related chest pains and panic attacks, which had come back years after I thought I was rid of them.
At any rate, I was not living; I was truly just surviving and I was miserable. I’ve struggled though enough lean times to want to hang on to a decent, steady paycheck when I have one, but I had to let it go. I realized that I was merely treading water and that I couldn’t do all the things I dreamed of doing if I was chained to a desk for the major portion of my day. I needed some big changes which included being able to see the sun and get outside every day; being able to set my own schedule; not having to answer phones ever again because I really, really hate it; doing something different every day instead of the same mind-numbing routine; and working in a quiet environment with more solitude or at least more creativity.
So I took a risk and made the leap. At first it was utterly surreal. My first Monday of freedom I was swimming in the ocean instead of swimming in paperwork. I couldn’t get enough of the sun or of morning tea on my patio or of writing in a new journal or of hard exercise or of quiet. I haven’t had a vacation since college and I could feel every bone in my body thanking me profusely for just being DONE. I haven’t wanted to pick up the phone. I haven’t wanted to go anywhere near an office for any reason whatsoever. I haven’t wanted to chatter on Facebook or Twitter. I just wanted to drink in quiet, space, solitude, nature, culture, books, meditation and exercise.
Then the whole thing turned out to be a bigger leap than it was supposed to be. The new day job I’d put into place didn’t pan out the way I was expecting. It still might, but it’s taking much longer and I’ve had to hustle to find other sources of income in the meantime. And those were contingencies I’d put into place as well but it’s been an anxious time as well as a happy one. I know without a doubt that I made the right decision; change was long overdue and that alone feels amazing. I just don’t know how it’s all going to work out. I’m really being challenged to practice my preaching and stay in the present moment – to embrace the unknown as a delightful adventure instead of something to fear. But I will say this: the artist/little girl/exercising nature-lover inside of me is SO FREAKING THRILLED TO BE FREE!