I’ve been sitting with the idea of sitting with something. Even though I’ve been meditating regularly for the past few years and have been in and out of Yoga and am aware of how to bring myself to the present moment – I still try to rush through things sometimes. Why? I don’t know. Why is the present moment never good enough? Why do we try to manipulate it or deny it or hurtle ourselves out of this moment and into the next?
Since taking this audition class I’ve become keenly aware of how hard it is for me to sit still with a script and allow it to work on me. Each time I sit down I get anxious about everything else I have to do. Sitting quietly feels like a luxury I can’t afford. I should be cleaning my house or unpacking the lingering boxes (Yes, I moved in January. Yes, I still have boxes.), or planning healthy meals for the week or paying bills or researching a mailing or exercising (always) or returning phone calls or bringing stuff to Goodwill or seeing friends or getting to bed early… there is always something else I could be doing. My real work, the creative work, often takes a backseat to these more pressing items.
I now know that these “To-Do’s” are a form of resistance. So let’s say I push through the anxiety and give myself permission to sit quietly with my script for an hour or two. I then have to contend with the panicky voice in my head that feels VERY SURE that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know how to absorb the story, I don’t know how to relate to these people, I don’t have anything original to bring to the material, my take on camera will suck, I don’t know how to make the transitions between scenes, I might as well give up and skip class this week.
I stay with it. I force myself to stay in the chair and to keep reading and wildly cast my mind about for something to latch on to. And then I do. Something in the script – a line, a description, a memory – grabs me and I start sinking into the imaginary circumstances as if they were really happening.
Great, right? But the battle’s not over. You’d think that, once it happened, I would just go with it. I’d let my imagination go and take the ride and see where it wanted to take me. But I can’t. I just can’t let go. I start to find something and suddenly I jerk back, the same way I do when sleep starts to take me each night. I jerk myself awake again and again until I’m too exhausted to fight it anymore.
This kind of resistance is so uncomfortable that it becomes very easy to stop the process and rationalize reasons to be done for the day. Maybe I should go watch a movie for inspiration; maybe I should do the dishes so they can stop annoying me; maybe I should go to bed because I never get enough sleep.
And so, if I listen to those rationalizations, I cheat myself out of what wants to happen, which is actually the thing that I live for. It’s an experience of creation that is surprising, joyful and utterly fulfilling.
It’s the same with meditation. If I jerk out early, I miss diving into the radiant white light which is an experience I can’t even explain.
It’s the same with Yoga … I just went back to a structured class for the first time in years and I forgot how it is to settle into a pose or a stretch long after I’ve reached my threshold of comfort. If I get out of a pose early, I miss tapping into those deep places in my body that never get attention or exercise.
I don’t know how it is in other parts of the world but here in the States we pride ourselves on individualism. We want to stand out, go our own way, do our own thing. We think we know best and that no one else should be able to tell us what to do or how to live. That’s great and all but sometimes I wonder what our culture would look like if we held a practice?
What would it be like to stay with something? To stay with the person in front of us instead of glancing at our phones? To stay open in a difficult conversation instead of leaving with a snarky remark? To stay sober? To stay calm in traffic? To stay in the stretch a little longer? To stay quiet instead of talking? To stay vulnerable rather than defensive? To stay with vegetables instead of sugar? To stay with the strange character trying to emerge instead of playing it safe in the audition room?
Practice, Practice, Practice.