SECONDS TO SABOTAGE

January 10, 2012.

The on-camera workshop yesterday was great and exactly the kind of class I’m looking for. Hoping to start up with them late next month. I’ve already learned some helpful things just from the workshop. I was excited to get home early and apply that knowledge to the great short film role I had to put on tape.

And then I got home… I was tired and hungry and gave myself a little time to just decompress. But then, instead of feeling energized and inspired, I felt overwhelmed by the audition. It was a massive comedic monologue and a scene that I had to tape… one while “drunk” and one in the style of a soap opera. I loved the script, loved the character and was so excited to work on it until the moment came when I actually had to work on it. Those outrageously old demons and critics came back for some unknown reason. I haven’t had to deal with them in quite some time.

I was THIS close to skipping the audition. I sat in my chair, script in hand, paralyzed by the thought of having to spend the next few hours memorizing, crafting and taping this funny character. In retrospect, I’m probably just exhausted from trying to pursue a career around my day job. But all I could think was, “I can’t do it. It’s not worth it. I don’t have it in me. I’m just not going to do it.” I truly was going to walk away from a fabulous audition- the kind I dream of- because I was too damn tired and insecure.

I don’t know why but at the last possible second I decided to try one of the exercises I’d learned that day in the workshop with one line of text from the script. And that was all it took. I discovered something surprising and made myself laugh and then I was a kid again, playing pretend in my living room. I forgot that I was tired and forgot the time and I worked and worked to get my monologue just the way I wanted it. Six hours later, I had everything in the can and ready to send to the casting director.

When I finally collapsed in bed, I felt so good. It’s the best kind of tired. I’d worked my day job in the morning, audited a new class and worked for hours on a fun audition. I’ve been very productive lately with my career. Of course I’d like to see one of these auditions pan out to a booking but it feels great to know that every day I’m making definitive strides towards my goals.

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