IN THE DEEP

March 6, 2006.

It’s nearly one in the morning. These are the lonely hours when I can’t sleep and I haunt my studio apartment trying to appease the meanderings and longings of my mind. Tonight we had to cancel our show for lack of reservations. Only in Los Angeles… we had an audience on Super Bowl Sunday but not on Oscar night. I was kind of happy not to miss the awards since I look forward to them all year. But I found myself watching the clock and thinking- now the house is open, now we’re half-way through Act One, now we’re just getting out of the theatre. I would really rather be doing it than watching other people who have done it.

I’m already feeling depressed because we only have two weeks left in the run. I realized the other day that I’ve spent nearly half a year working with this group of people. It’s been amazing. I was so nervous and intimidated in the beginning but now it feels like going home when I walk backstage and see those beautiful faces. I keep wondering where this experience is taking me. I’m obviously still smitten with acting but it wasn’t in the plan; I’m not sure what to do with it yet.

The review I was waiting for turned out to be positive, someone from the theatre asked Adam for my e-mail because they may have a project for me, and I might be working with my director again very soon; these are all good things. And then watching the Oscars made me ache to be filming my own stuff. I don’t know. I’m not sure where I’m going or how to get there- I just want this to be my life. I don’t want to keep returning to the desk jobs or grunt jobs to pay the bills.

I was thrilled to see Crash win tonight. This is a film that people either loved or hated and I can relate to that kind of response. I’m glad it got the recognition it deserved. It was lovely to hear Bird York sing her nominated song from the film and it pours through my brain now as I try to figure out my own artistic journey.

Now you’re out there spinning…  Now you’re out there swimming…  Now you’re out there spinning…  In the deep…

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